The Broken Circle By Dr. Stan DeKoven
I was twenty-one years old when my beautiful bride and I took that long walk down the church aisle. We were both so very excited to finally make official what we were completely sure of. We were made for each other, forever! I still get heart palpitations of joy when I look back at that marvelous event
One of the most touching parts of our ceremony was the exchanging of our rings. The minister recited tons the symbolic significance of this act. The ring symbolized our never-ending love and devotion to each other, the circle of love which was never to be broken. Never!
Well, that’s the way it was meant to be. Though we have had our crisis times (and we have helped countless couples deal with problem issues, both in our clinical practice and as professor in the Master of Arts in Christian Counseling where we teach), our marriage and family have happily survived. Yet so many of our friends’ marriages have not. Though many Christian couples make the same vows as we have, for all too many the eternally pledged circle is broken. Why?
In the United States today approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce, (Christian marriages are only 12% better), thousands of children are abused physically and sexually, wives are battered, children run away, over 6,000 adolescents annually commit suicide, and families disintegrate.(The picture in Australia is better. See Footnote). The pressures of our world are immense and most difficult to cope with. Even in our churches we are confronted with the ‘besetting sins’ (Heb. 12: l) that destroy the circle that was to be unbroken.
Over the past few years, it has been our privilege to work with many families who were at their breaking point. There has been a renewed interest in secular and Christian circles alike to at least recognize and acknowledge the immensity of the family breakdown. As impressive as the statistics of divorce, abuse and self-destruction may be, there remain mixed views in the church of Jesus Christ as to how we should approach the wounded or broken family. It is apparent that something must be done to stem the tide.
Let me illustrate.* It was about three a.m. when the phone rang. As I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I listened intently to a story that I have heard only too often. Late the evening before, Mr. Jones, a rather well known member of a local church had been arrested. He was being held in custody for alleged sexual abuse against some children in the same church.
The pastor knew all the principal parties very well, and felt caught. He could clearly sense the outrage of the parents of the children who were abused. He was concerned for the children’s welfare. He also experienced a sense of outrage against his friend, a titan he had ministered to and fellowshipped with, who had allegedly committed this horrible sin.
He also remembered Mr. Jones’ Christian commitment He must be terribly frightened; and what about Mrs. Jones? What response would she have? Finally, he had so many questions regarding his own response. What would his church think? What would the Lord do? Excellent questions. Difficult answers!
After I got over -my own feelings of shock and anger (Why me. Lord? I really need the sleep!), I began to explore with this very caring and sensitive pastor some of the options that he and the church might exercise. I have since found these options to be typical of evangelical churches, and have listed them in their most often used fashion.
1. THE OSTRICH APPROACH
Bury it and hide. Pretend [hat it didn’t happen. Think of the ham~ that could come if anyone found out. Gary Juleen once told me of a certain pastor’s fears of exposing problems in the church. Pie likened it to the picking up of a rock. When you do so, the bugs start crawling out! Better to keep the rock where it is (and the inherent church problems) than expose peoples problems for fear of the repercussions. Let’s not let anyone know. We don’t want anyone hurt!
Unfortunately, this was the approach that this local church board (who overruled the pastor) used to deal with the problem. The results were devastating for Mr. Jones, the family involved, and for the church as a whole, as we will see later.
2. THE CANCER APPROACH
Mr. Jones had obviously sinned grievously, guilty until proven innocent. If we continue to offer fellowship to him, the results could be devastating. We must cut him off and give total support to the victims only.
This would certainly -be a better solution than option 1. This option does eliminate the ‘problem’ in a hurry! Usually it is a hasty decision made out of fear.
The use of this option offers much needed support for the victim. It is direct and decisive. But what about Mr. Jones? Where is the compassion he needs? Yes, he has sinned. But in spite of the ugliness of this type of sin, God continues to love Mr. Jones, and desires to restore him. Certainly there are probable legal consequences for his action. Yet, he still needs restoration through the body of Christ.
3. THE HEALING COMMUNITY
Mr. Jones indeed had sinned in a most destructive and despicable fashion. The sexual abuse of children in our society is one of the leading causes of emotional problems in adults today. The church is not exempt from this sin, as we are now just becoming aware. Yet, even in the case of this type of sexual crime and sin, there are some basic principles of operation that we must follow in order to fulfill our responsibility in Christ.
First, we must confront the situation head or, we must know the facts as best we can. Yet we must listen with an open mind.
Second, if possible, talk with the responsible parties, offering comfort and support, motivated by love. Although Jesus never excused sin or the sinner, He was willing to love and pardon. Each individual needs to be heard and offered clear opportunity for restoration through repentance.
Third, keep all communication confidential, and where necessary, squelch rumors and gossip. There is a natural human tendency to want to know all the details.
Fourth, offer continued ministry from the church so that continued restoration might occur. This could include ministry in areas of victim assistance (church support for needed counseling, etc.) and prison outreach. Whatever we do, when one of our own is wounded, even if self-inflicted, we must be willing and able to bind up their wounds and allow healing to occur. We must hot shoot our wounded! Most of our churches today are ill-prepared to handle such emergencies, which will inevitably happen within the family, and the family of God. Few churches have trained laity or pastoral staff who can help in times of real crisis. Yet, it is in the time of crisis that we are most open to the love and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. We, as His people, have been left with the responsibility of ministering to the family when they are between the ‘rock and the hard place’. I have often felt that it is precisely there, between the rock and the hard place, that the love of Christ, carefully and judiciously applied, can most fully and completely ‘heal the brokenhearted and set the captive free’. The Lord has charged us with His ministry of reconciliation, are we willing to take a stand for Him? (2. Cor. 3:18, 19).